Recently, someone wrote into JudithDuval.com with a question. Since we stay abreast on the most effective wellness resources, this person wondered if we could be of service. This is what they asked:
“I am consistently sabotaging my relationship. I am always finding a problem with everything…when this puts a stress on the relationship and I see my partner distance himself, I panic and want I then want to fix things. This makes him distance himself even more. I am starting to wonder if what I am experiencing is love or some sort of unhealthy attachment.”
When I read this inquiry, I especially made note of the last sentence. This is what I love about our readers. They are courageously seeking to make better choices and create the life they want to live. I say courageously, because as that last sentence shows, they are willing to look at their participation in the often painful circumstances they may find themselves in. THAT takes real courage, and I not only admire it in our readers, but it also inspires me to live with even greater courage myself.
In some ways, I could relate to the readers question, as I am sure many of you can as well. This is a classic example of our Destructive Self taking control of our lives. Our Destructive Self is always seeking to sabotage something in our lives. Whether it is a romantic or work relationship, an event with our family, or just our own self-care. Remember, our Destructive Self speaks from fear, insecurities, jealousy and anxieties. Here’s a good article if you want to learn more. In this case, our friend’s Destructive Self is in full control, looking for ways to destroy her relationship and any love there might be.
When we are faced with situations such as the above, it will always helpful to ask ourselves: “How is my Destructive Self showing up here?” In this case, there are a couple of ways that it could be destroying the peace of happiness of our reader.
#1 Our Destructive Self doesn’t know HOW to love
If you are following the voice of your Destructive Self, you can get yourself in trouble when it comes to love, because your Destructive Self does not know how to love.
When I think of love, the essay by the writer and poet Kahlil Gibran called “On Marriage” immediately comes to mind. Here is an excerpt:
“…Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart...”
I have always loved this essay; it has guided me in all of my loving relationships (whether with my partner, friends, family, etc.) on the importance of allowing for room and space within the love.
It is the same room and space that is needed when we are handling a rose. If we recklessly grab at it with our hands, we will be hurt by its’ thorns. But if we delicately hold it, working our way around its thorns, giving it the space it needs, we will be able to enjoy its’ beautiful flower.
Many years ago, I heard of a similar metaphor for love that further drove the point of giving space in order for it to flourish. When a little kid is learning to play with a puppy, he is often instructed to be very gentle and to not crowd him. Specifically, this example spoke of telling the little kid not to hug a puppy, especially not too hard …or it might break its’ neck.
Many examples exist that can help us understand HOW to love. Love is not attachment. It certainly isn’t unhealthy attachment. If you are realizing you don’t know how to love, don’t be too hard on yourself. Very few people are taught how to love in a healthy manner, without attachments, insecurity or any other toxicity.
Once we learn new tools on how to love, what is the key to allow us to do so? To love others while permitting for space, freedom and time to be alone to be present?
#2 Our Destructive Self doesn’t let us feel worthy of love
How worthy we feel of love and happiness will determine whether we allow it in our lives. Until our reader begins to feel worthy of receiving love and living with happiness, she will never, ever be able to have either, irrespective of who her partner is. Like she described, she will “find a problem with everything” with the purpose of proving to herself (and her Destructive Self) that she is not worthy of love.
This is hard if we were not taught to feel worthy of love. It is hard if we were not taught that love can be peaceful and does not necessarily represent problems and difficulties. That it does not have to be filled with drama, because we are worthy of drama free love.
How do we cultivate self-worth? You can begin doing so by reading this article.
Do you feel guilty of wanting love that is easy and peaceful? Guilt is a toxic emotion that has no purpose in our lives. We are often taught to feel guilty, so this might be deeply ingrained within you. This article will give you a bit more background on it and this video will teach you how to overcome it.
Remember (and please share on Facebook):
What YOU can do TODAY:
- Ask yourself whether you feel worthy of having love and happiness in your life. If you don’t feel worthy, you will find ways to ruin any love that comes your way (the same way our reader is always “finding a problem with everything”). This can be tough to answer. You may want love and happiness, but if you don’t feel worthy of it, it will not matter what you want. Why would anyone not feel worthy of love? If in your past you’ve been made to feel unworthy, the probability is that you may continue to feel this way, even if subconsciously.
3. Ask yourself whether you know HOW to love. Are you OK with there being space and room in your relationship? Are you OK with the “alone time” of others (and your own)? Are you ready to make any change necessary?
4. One effective way to become more loving is through meditation. This free guided meditation that will help you cultivate love and kindness to those around you (yes, even those you do not like!). Do it now, it is life changing.
What are your thoughts on love and the above? We would love to hear from you, so please leave a comment below.
Do you know someone who wants to make better choices in love? Share this article with them, or share it with your friends and family so they can also start creating the life they want to live.